i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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