News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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