What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
