I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
