I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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