I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
