i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
How naked do you want me to be?
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