Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Who wears a wallet chain?!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just pee around me
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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