whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
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Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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