i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
