Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
