Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
