ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
