When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize