how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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