I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
