I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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