I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
