and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
