I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
