so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
