Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Never joke about your clitoris.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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