Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
