just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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