I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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