dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
