Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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