I want to walk on stilts...naked
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize