My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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