I could make wine with my vomit
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
