Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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