I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
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You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
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This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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