So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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