Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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