so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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