Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
