Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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