Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
