the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
