At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you made out with another girl for some wings
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
