We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
