Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
