Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
