wrigley field is MILF paradise
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
