Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
