I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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