how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
