You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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