If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
this just has baby written all over it
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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