I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
