U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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