I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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