i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
