Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
