Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
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Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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