hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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