I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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